HUMOR: 2016 US Presidential Election Write-in Candidate Options

Yes, it’s that time again. A presidential election year in the Good ol’ US of A! For those of you unaware ( doubtful, but if it were possible, oh how I’d envy you), this year has been perhaps the most divisive election in history. In fact surveys have indicated that people in my generation don’t like the candidates representing either of the top two parties. For many of us, it feels like we are given the choice between getting whacked in the head with a baseball bat and getting whacked in the head with a hockey stick. It’s going to hurt either way.

As such many are actively looking into third parties. Others are considering write-in candidates. I’d like to give you a blow by blow look at  some of the most popular write-in choices that I’ve seen bandied about on-line, and list their pros and cons, so you, the voter can make an informed decision on who to elect to lead this nation. Please note, the presence of a candidate, or candidates on this list does not indicate an endorsement. That said, General Zod and Smaug were kind enough to come in and speak to you directly.

Note, I have left of obvious choices such as Kevin Spacey as Frank Underwood from House of Cards, Martin Sheen’s Josiah Bartlet from The West Wing, or Kiefer Sutherland’s Tom Kirkman from Designated Survivor mainly as I’ve never seen any of the episodes of those shows to comment. Also absent are Harrison Ford’s James Marshall from Air Force One, and Bill Pullman’s resident Thomas Whitmore from Independence Day, mainly as they are so popular and flawless that they would run unopposed and where would the fun be?

Further, I realize that voting is a serious matter. However, the overall tone of this election cycle, and heck, this whole year, has been vile. So, please note, this post is largely satirical in nature in hopes of giving everyone a laugh and possibly lower their blood pressure in the process. Seriously, I think we could all use the laugh.

 

Rogers/Wilson

Rogers/Wilson

Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson

Bio: Steve grew up in Brooklyn, a child of the Great Depression. His can-do attitude and his willingness to confront evil made him a prime candidate for the Super Soldier Project, while his willingness to sacrifice himself for others made him a leader. A decorated war hero and de facto leader of the Avengers Steve Rogers is the living embodiment of everything that is good about America. With his running mate, Sam Wilson, Steve exposed that a government agency was corrupted and did the right thing and dismantled the organization.

Statement from the candidate: “I know I’m asking a lot. But the price of freedom is high. It always has been. And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. And if I’m the only one, then so be it. But I’m willing to bet I’m not.”

Slogan: Face front, True Believers!

Campaign song: “When Captain America Throws his Mighty Shield.”

Pros: Steve’s cred as a war hero and his devout religious beliefs should play well in the red states. Meanwhile, the fact that he led a group of ethnically diverse soldiers in World War II, , and his sympathy towards refugees Pietro and Wanda Maximov should work well with blue state voters. Further he has a strong view libertarian bend towards civil liberties. His friendship with Sam, shows he can cross the generation gap and find common ground, while his friendship with Russian Natasha Romanova demonstrates he can form strong international relations.

Cons: Steve has long resisted any attempts to run, feeling that becoming a politician would allow him to become easily corrupted.  Further, his best friend had been brainwashed into becoming the assassin, the Winter Soldier. Recently, a smear campaign has begun, stating that that Steve might in fact have ties to the Nazi organization known as Hydra. Sources say that he could be acting under duress, but until the crisis is ended, this could mar his presidential run.

Endorsement: “With everything that’s happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old-fashioned.”
-Agent Phil Coulson of the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement Logistics Division ( S.H.I.E.L.D)

 

 

 

STark/Rhodes

Stark/Rhodes

Tony Stark/Lt .Col. James “Rhodey” Rhodes.

Bio: Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark certainly has made a name for himself in recent years. Few personify the ideal of the American ideal of the self-made man then Stark. From his escape from captivity from a terror cell, to his career as Iron Man, to restructuring his company, Stark is a man ready to face the changes and trials that America has in the 21st century.

Statement from the candidate: “I’m not saying I’m responsible for this country’s longest run of uninterrupted peace in 35 years! I’m not saying that from the ashes of captivity, never has a Phoenix metaphor been more personified! I’m not saying Uncle Sam can kick back on a lawn chair, sipping on an iced tea, because I haven’t come across anyone man enough to go toe to toe with me on my best day! It’s not about me. It’s not about you, either. It’s about legacy, the legacy left behind for future generations. It’s not about us!”

Slogan: Excelsior!

Campaign Song: “I Am Iron Man” by Black Sabbath.

Pros: He has privatized world peace and personally took down a terror cell. His arc reactor continues to make technological leaps into the new frontier of renewable energy. He also helped fund and begin the Avengers, and his foresight kept his armor out of the hands of a senator who was working for Hydra. His running mate Col. Jim Rhodes is a soldier, and is certain to help keep Stark flying right.

Cons: The man has been tabloid fodder for years with his hedonistic life style before his captivity. Not to mention he has a tendency to paint a target on his back, ultimately leading his mansion being destroyed. He advocated for the Sokovia Accords with out having read it, and was thus surprised how poorly officials in charge would treat other heroes like Wanda Maximoff. His leap before looking tendency lead to the creation of Ultron, and omnicidal android, and over all, Rhodey would honestly be a better president than Stark.

Endorsement: “I have a unique privilege of serving with a real patriot. He is my friend, and he is my great mentor.”

-Lt.  Col. James Rhodes

 

 

 

Bruce Wayne

Bruce Wayne

 Bruce Wayne

Bio: As a child Bruce Wayne watched in horror as his parents were gunned down in front of him. It was a moment that scarred his young life forever, but from the ashes of tragedy Bruce trained his mind and body to the point of near human perfection and dedicated his life to the prevention of crime as Batman. He also cares very deeply about taking care of the disadvantaged, not only by maintaining a number of his family’s philanthropic ventures, but he has a habit of adopting orphans, including Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and Cassandra Cain.

Statement from the Candidate: “I can be whatever this city needs me to be. Either you die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I’m not the hero, not like Dent…That’s what I can be. I’m whatever Gotham needs me to be. You’ll hunt me. Set the dogs on me. Because it’s what needs to happen. Because sometimes, the truth isn’t good enough…Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes they deserve to have their faith rewarded.”

Slogan: “Bruce Wayne? Who’s that? Sounds like a real cool guy!”

Campaign Song: “The Future” by Prince, “Face to Face” by Souixie and the Banshees, “Kiss from a Rose” Seal, “Gotham City” by R. Kelly , “Untitled Self Portrait” by Batman.

Pros: He’s Batman. But aside from that fact as Bruce Wayne not only has he adopted more then his share of orphans look at all the good his company has done! He refused to partner with corrupt businessman Max Shreck on an unnecessary power plant that would have drained more power from Gotham then it produced, refused to sign off an Edward Nygma’s “Box” device , feeling that that it raised too many ethical questions and arranged for scientist Victor Fries to continue his research into a cure for MacGregor’s Syndrome. Most recently, Wayne Enterprises became a key player in green, renewable, sustainable energy.

Cons: He has had run-ins with a noted terrorist leader, Ra’s Al Ghul, and even for a time was married to Ghul’s daughter Talia which brought about Bruce’s son Damien. Mr. Wayne has also frequently been in the company of convicted thief Selina Kyle. Further, some employees, such as Mr. Coleman Reese, describe Bruce as distant and detached form the affairs of Wayne Enterprises, usually leaving the work to Lucius Fox. Max Shreck and other potential business partners describe meetings with him as a waste of time as he will schedule meetings with them solely to tell them he doesn’t wish to do business with them, instead of just send a message or call. Finally, his company’s “miracle cure” for sustainable energy, turned out to be a fusion generator that nearly blew up Gotham City in the wrong hands.

Endorsement: “He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not a hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.”

-Gotham City Police Commissioner James Gordon.

 

 

 

Queen/Diggle

Queen/Diggle

 

 Oliver Queen/John Diggle

Bio: The son of Robert and Moira Queen, Oliver was born to a life or privilege. All that changed when he was stranded on an island for five years. Upon his return he dedicated himself to making Starling City a better place.  John Diggle, an army veteran who served not one, but three tours in Afganistan, started out as Oliver’s body guard he went on to become his best friend, and partner in Oliver’s crusade to save his city.

Statement from the Candidate: Please. I know what you’re feeling right now, I’m feeling it too, the sense of – of helplessness, of hopelessness. I don’t know how we even begin to process what might happen to us right now, but there a few things that I do know, I know that this [country] has been through tough times before and we have pulled through… (S)omehow, someway, we will survive this… This is our home! It is our friend, our family, our lives. And we will not – we will not throw those precious gifts away by descending into chaos. We will look to each other for hope. We will cling to each other for strength, and it we do that, no matter what happens, that we all can stand here united.”

Slogan: “You’ve failed this city!”

Campaign Songs: “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” –Bryan Adams ( from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves), “Men in Tights” from Robin Hood: Men in Tights, “Oo-De-Lally”-Roger Miller (from Disney’s Robin Hood).

Pros: Oliver actually has experience in politics, having served as mayor of Star City. With his concern for community activism, social justice and left-wing views he should play well to blue state voters. He was also at one point a small business owner, starting a trendy night club. Among his employees, a wayward youth named Roy Harper, whom he gave a second chance. Oliver efforts helped Roy get his life turned around. Oliver also helped take down a dealer of a dangerous synthetic drug called “Vertigo”. His running mate John Diggle has served in the military which could help close the gap with red state voters.

Cons: His mother took part in a terror attack on Star City, a “scandal” ( for lack of a better term)that his family has never been able to shake. Oliver lost the company completely when his resources were drained and in an attempt to buy it back and rebuild, he was outbid by Ray Palmer. While his attempts to start his own business were admirable, the club he started went under. Finally, Oliver has had similar ties to the terrorist leader, Ra’s Al-Ghul that Bruce Wayne has possessed.

Endorsement: “What this (country) needs is somebody who can stand out in the light of day, not lurk around in the shadows.”

-Det. Quentin Lance.

 

 

 

Palpatine/Vader

Palpatine/Vader

 Sheev Palpatine/Darth Vader

Bio: Once, Sheev Palpatine was ambitious senator from the planet Naboo. However, a blockade crisis propelled him to the centers stage of the Galactic Senate where he was elected chancellor following the ouster of Chancellor Finis Velorum. His wise leadership and strong policies were part of how he was able to secure emergency powers when the galaxy was on the verge of a civil war leading to the creation of the Clone Army of the Republic. When a scandal shook the foundations of the galaxy, Palpatine wisely declared himself Emperor, and vowed to lead the galaxy. By his side his his right hand man, Darth Vader.

Statement:  “I will lead the Empire to glories beyond imagination…We have been tested, but we have emerged stronger. We moved forward as one people – the Imperial citizens of the first Galactic Empire. We will prevail. Ten thousand years of peace begins today.”

Slogan: “Don’t underestimate the power of the Dark Side.”

Campaign songs: “The Imperial March” ( Darth Vader’s Theme)“The Emperor’s Theme” , and “Duel of the Fates” by John Williams

Pros: Both have an excellent record when it comes to defense. Palpatine promised a safe and secure society and that is what he gave. Chief among his policies was the authorization of a highly trained military unit of elite soldiers, as well as the construction of an advanced battle station. Further Vader is a decorated war hero.

Cons: Palpatine is notorious for wasting government money on pet projects and slashing funding to other necessary ventures. These incidents include poor funding to the Outer Rim regions leading to a collapse of their infrastructure, inadequate training and equipment to their soldiers, and the horrendous treatment of the veteran Clone Troopers. He also has a poor record on religious freedom, having ordered the destruction of an entire religious group. Allegations also surfaced that he may have been working in secret to destabilize the Republic in order to gain more power.

Also, his running mate has a history of taking part in illegal pod racing and has worked with noted crime boss, Jabba the Hutt. Vader was also morally complacent in the destruction of Alderaan. His other crimes include the slaughter of  an indigenous race, murdering children, and has even killing his own employees. Finally, the less that is said about his treatment of his wife, the late Senator Padme Amidala of Naboo and their children Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, the better.

Endorsement: “It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions. I pray you will bring sanity and compassion back to the Senate.”

-Senator Padme Amidala of Naboo.

 

 

 

Kirk/Spock

Kirk/Spock

Captain James T. Kirk/Mr. Spock

Bio: Hailing from Iowa, James T. Kirk is perhaps one of the most celebrated leaders of his day. In the academy he received a commendation for original thinking on the Kobayashi Maru exam, a test which no one in Starfleet history ever passed. As Captain of the starship Enterprise he made first contact with numerous alien species and guided his ship and his crew through incredibly trying times, including battle against the Romulans, Klingons and Kahn Noonian Sing. His running mate, Mr. Spock, is highly respected for his brilliant, logical mind and is certain to serve as an excellent counter point to Kirk’s bold, brash attitude.

Statement: “You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, an irrational fear of the unknown. But there’s no such thing as the unknown — only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.”

Slogan: “Engage”

Campaign Songs: “Rocket Man”-William Shatner, “Space Oddity” –William Shatner, “Common People” William Shatner, “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Earth”-Leonard Nimoy, “Highly Illogical”-Leonard Nimoy, “You Are Not Alone”-Leonard Nimoy.

Pros: Kirk is a cunning commander, able to think outside the box to solve a problem. He is also more than capable of seeking advice and listening to those with whom he works. The fact that he works alongside a diverse crew shows he can reach across racial and ethnic barriers to get the task accomplished.

 Cons: You can use whatever euphemisms you like, but it is clear that Kirk cheated on the Kobayashi Maru. He also seems to think that the Prime Directive is merely a suggestion and follows the rules when it suits him as is evident by the numerous charges in his record. Add to it the complications surrounding his running mate, Mr. Spock. While it is clear that Spock’s mother, a school teacher named Amanda Grayson is a US citizen, his father Serak is an alien ambassador from the planet Vulcan. While the Constitution is very clear on humans running for office, it is strangely silent on extraterrestrials.

Endorsement: “Captain Kirk, You and your crew have saved this planet from its own short-sightedness …and we are forever in your debt.”

-Starfleet Federation President

 

 

 

Picard/Riker

Picard/Riker

 Captain Jean -Luc Picard/Commander William Thomas Riker

Bio: Captain Kirk’s successor, Picard sat in command of the Enterprise D. In many ways his method of commanding the ship was the opposite of Kirk. Picard was calm, cool, collected and logically minded while his first officer, Riker was a bit more impulsive. While the galaxy may have been a bit more of a friendly place due to the treaty between the Klingons and the Federation, Picard faced off against more than his share of adversaries. Among them was the ruthless race of automatons known as The Borg. Further, when backed into a corner, Picard is more than willing to fight back. This became especially true as the Borg conquered more and more worlds and the Federation seemed powerless to stop it. He may be highly intelligent and value diplomacy, but when action is needed, Picard will make it so.

Statement: “ I will not sacrifice the Enterprise. We’ve made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And *I* will make them pay for what they’ve done!”

Slogan: “Make it so.”

Campaign Song: The entire catalogue of Gilbert and Sullivan. And some Irving Berlin.

Pros: Picard is the only person to break free from Borg programming on his own. Unlike Kirk, Picard sees the value in seeking a diplomatic solution to the problems he faces first. He’s also willing to actually follow the rules. However, he also knows that sometimes you can’t always reason or negotiate with a threat.

Cons: It’s pretty much evident in his first name as to why, as good as he could be at the job, he actually could not have the job of POTUS. Jean-Luc Picard is a French citizen and therefore, ineligible to run for the office of President. ( Although his French nationality is in question to  the fact he has a very distinct British accent, and his choice in beverage is the very British “Tea. Earl Grey. Hot”.)

Endorsement: “(A) few years ago, I watched a freshman cadet pass four upperclassmen on the last hill of the 40km-run on Danula II – the damnedest thing I ever saw. The only freshman to ever win the Academy marathon. I made it my business to get to know that young fellow, and I got to know him very, very well. And I’ll tell you something: I never met anyone with more drive, determination or more courage than Jean-Luc Picard…”

-Admiral J.P. Hanson

 

 

 

Lex Luthor

Lex Luthor

 Lex Luthor –

Bio: Placed in charge of one of his father Lionel’s biofuel plants in Smallville, Alexander “Lex” Luthor pulled himself up by his bootstraps to become one of the greatest moguls in American history. His networth rivals that of Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen and he prided himself on doing all he could to help the common man. He has little regard for costumed heroes, seeing them as holding humanity back from their true potential.

Statement: “Do you know the story of Prometheus? No, of course you don’t. Prometheus was a god who stole the power of fire from the other gods and gave control of it to the mortals. In essence, he gave us technology, he gave us power…Actually, sort of. You see whoever controls technology controls the world. The Roman empire ruled the world because they built roads. The British Empire ruled the world because they built ships. America; the atom bomb. And so on and so forth. I just want what Prometheus wanted. Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don’t share their power with mankind. No, I don’t want to be a *god*. I just want to bring fire to the people…”

Slogan: “Every hero needs a foil.”

Pros: Unlike many on this list, Lex actually wants to be president and serve the people. He has been willing to distribute powers to those needed, and has empowered many injured individuals helping them get back on track. Further, time and time again Lex has done what he can to rebuild not only Metropolis after superhuman battle, but even rebuilt Gotham after an earthquake

Cons:  Lex has a poor record when it comes to dealing with aliens. He also has a laundry list of criminal charges, many of which he should still be serving sentences for, including theft of a nuclear weapon, attempting to destroy the entire west coast, and other crimes against society and nature. He is also so willing to destroy Superman that at times he will nearly destroy Metropolis. Further his rebuilding efforts with Gotham were an attempt to take full control of the city, as he had done in Metropolis where he owns 99% of the media, the some of the police and most of the elected officials. Also, one time, when no one was looking, Lex stole 40 cakes. 40. That’s as much as 4 tens. And that’s terrible.

Endorsement: “When I thought my life was over, you gave me a reason to keep going. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I trusted you. Because I respected you..”

-Tess Mercer

 

 

 

Zod

Zod

 General Zod

Bio: Cease your prattle, human. I am General Zod of Krypton and allow me to tell the people of the planet Houston my story. No doubt you have heard the narrative concocted by the son of Jor-El, but I assure you, these stories are all false. It was I, who was Krypton’s true hero during its last days, uniting it under my rule. Had it not been for the treachery of Jor-El, my jailer, I could have saved Krypton, but I was sentenced to the Phantom Zone. Now, I and my allies are free to lead your world.

And do not pester me further about whether or not the son of Jor-El killed me by snapping my neck. Such a thing is impossible. Kal-El is a coward, like his father.

Statement: I have already given it, people of Planet Houston, but since your memories are so short, perhaps you need to hear it again. You will have your lives, so long as you kneel before Zod and bring to me the son of Jor-El. The son of Jor-El sees you as pets to be coddled, I see you as slaves to do my great works.

Slogan: Kneel before, Zod!

Campaign Songs:*snorts* I do  not need campaign songs in order to make my more approachable and relatable to you humans. You could never be like me.

Pros: There are many wonderful things that will come to the planet Houston, upon my becoming the rightful ruler of your nation. Among them is the continued prolonging of your insignificant lives. I am also what you humans call, an equal opportunities employer as my right hand is the woman Ursa, and I work closely with Non, whom you humans would consider disabled. Further, under my rule, no red lights that glow like the Krypton sun will make an irritating noise.

Cons: Does being allow to live, so long as you serve me, not sound like a good thing? It is indeed most generous of me to do so. To ask any more from me is audacious. While it is true my claim that you all must bow to me may infringe upon your so called “First Amendment to the Constitution”, and confiscation of all your weapons go against your “Second Amendment”, it is for your own good. To not infringe upon a few of your rights would no doubt plunge you into the same civil war that nearly destroyed Krypton before it’s time.

Endorsement: *Snorts* General Zod does not  need endorsements from politicians or minor celebrities. As of now I have forced The Daily Planet, the Gotham Globe, and Central City Picture News to all endorse me.

 

 

Loki

Loki

Loki Laufeyson

Bio: The son of the Frost Giant Laufey, Loki was abandoned and left to die, until he was found by Odin. He was taken back to Asgard and raised not only as Odin’s son but as Thor’s brother. However he was always a bit of a loose canon, conspiring to do what he could to usurp power from his brother and father in hopes of making a more secure cosmos. It was also because of him that the Avengers first assembled , proving that he knows how to bring people together for a common cause.

Statement: “Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It’s the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life’s joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel.”

Slogan: “Well, I guess it’s worth a look.”

Campaign song: “Ride of the Valkyries” by Wagner.

Pros: Can we agree that most politicians are liars and tricksters? It’s just a matter of who is better at doing both who wins. Well, then who better then the Norse god of tricks and lies to serve as our president! All this aside, Loki is charming, cunning, and charismatic to a fault, something many candidates seem to lack. He is also proven to be a capable leader. Plus, he really wants to rule something, we might as well throw him a bone.

Cons: Seeing as he is a Norse god who insists that everyone bow to him, this would definitely ruffle a few feathers when it comes to the first amendment. He’s also somewhat crazy, having killed thousands. He has no problems reigning destruction on a small town or a major city. Further, he helped one of the Dark Elves kill his own mother, only because he was mad at his father and brother for putting him in prison for his crimes. If he’s willing to inadvertently cause his mother’s death to get revenge, I’d hate to see what he could do to the country.

Endorsement:  “Loki, for all his grave imbalance understood rule as I know I never will.”

-Thor.

 

 

 

Smaug

Smaug

Smaug Greatest And Chiefest of Calamities ( or Smaug GACOC)

 Bio: You have nice manners, for a blogger. Perhaps it would be best if I tell my own story.  I am Smaug, an ancient Fire Drake from the North. Men, Elves, Dwarves…all the free peoples of Middle-earth tremble at my name. It was I who drove the dwarves form their homeland and took their treasure as my own. It was I who laid waste to Dale.  Were one to try and fight me, he would not prevail. Were Sauron to treat with me, none could stand against us.

 Statement: “Revenge? You? HA! I am SMAUG! I kill when I wish! I am strong, strong, STRONG! My armor is like tenfold shields! My teeth are like swords! My claws, spears! The shock of my tail, a thunderbolt! My wings, a hurricane! And my breath… DEATH! Well? Where are your riddles now? I am Fire! I am Death!”

Slogan: “ Never Laugh at a Live Dragon!”

Campaign Songs: “I See Fire” by Ed Sheeran.

Pros: You claim that your nation has enemies. I have none, and I would protect that which is my own from any who wish to take it. My great wealth alone could solve your debt crisis, were I willing to share. national security would also not be a problem. Further, as I informed your Stephen Colbert, I am not one of those “tamed” dragons who allows children to ride me like Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon, or one of those henpecked lizards of Khaleesi in Game of Thrones. I am my own master and not beholden to special interests.

Cons: To say the least you are far better off being on my side, then against it. I had little problem destroying Dale and Laketown, and no qualms attacking Erebor. Even those who may have an original claim to the land I acquire may have a reverence, any efforts to take it back will be met with force.

Endorsement: “I did not come to steal from you, O Smaug the Unassessably Wealthy. I merely wanted to gaze upon your magnificence, to see if you really were as great as the old tales say. I did not believe them. Truly, tales and songs fall utterly short of your enormity, O Smaug the Stupendous…”
-Bilbo Baggins.

 

 

 

Giant Meteor

Giant Meteor

 Giant Meteor

Bio: Existing since the formation of the solar system , Giant Meteor has been a longtime candidate, making many changes in the solar system. Further among millennial voters, Giant Meteor is more popular than Trump or Clinton.

Statement:*boom*

Slogan: JUST END IT ALREADY!

Campaign songs: “Sweet Emotion”, “Dream On”, and “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith.

Pros: This candidate has been around awhile, a long while, and thus it deserves a shot. This is also the candidate that gets things done. Ask yourself, when was the last time you were chased by a pack of irate, hungry Velociraptors? You have Giant meteor to thank for that one.

Cons: Well, we are talking about an extinction level event here. But sometimes you got to take a look at the world around you and say, “so long, and thanks for all the fish.”

Endorsement: “Well, there goes the neighborhood.”

-T-Rex.

 

 

An approximate photo of the Great Pumpkin

An Approximate photo of the Great Pumpkin

The Great Pumpkin

Bio: Like Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny, The Great Pumpkin is the living embodiment of a particular holiday, in this case Halloween. However unlike Santa, The Great Pumpkin is in fact a sentient squash. (However,some theories suggest he and Jack Skellington may in fact be one and the same, however no conclusive evidence supports those claims)

Statement: Given the fact that no one has actually SEEN the Great Pumpkin yet, ( unlike Santa) no statement could be collected at the time this blog was complied.

Slogan: “Welcome Great Pumpkin!”

Campaign Songs: “The Great Pumpkin Waltz” by the Vince Guaraldi Trio.

Pros: Well, people certainly get their hopes up that a politician will bring the change they want and listen to their concerns. The Great Pumpkin certainly has experience in both of those. And what is more American then being disappointing in your elected officials?

Cons: He has disappointed Linus year after year. Can we trust him with the country?

Endorsement: “Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He’s gotta pick this one. He’s got to. I don’t see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there’s not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.”

-Linus Van Pelt

 

 

 

Jiminy Cricket

Jiminy Cricket

Jiminy Cricket.

Bio: An anthropomorphic cricket, Jiminy first rose to prominence when the Blue Fairy appointed him the conscience for the sentient puppet Pinocchio. Once Pinocchio became a real human boy, Jiminy was given official status as a conscience, even with a certificate.

Statement: “What’s a conscience! I’ll tell ya! A conscience is that still small voice that people won’t listen to. That’s just the trouble with the world today… Now, you see, the world is full of temptations…They’re the wrong things that seem right at the time… but… uh… even though the right things may seem wrong sometimes, or sometimes the wrong things… may be right at the wrong time, or visa versa…Understand?… I’m gonna help ya.”

Slogan: “Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide.”

Song: “When You Wish upon a Star”-Cliff Edwards

Pros: One of the buzz phrases this election cycle is “vote your conscience”. While there are plenty of qualified cartoon characters ( Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Kermit the Frog all come to mind) Ol’ Jiminy is the only one with any actual experience as a conscience. If we have to vote a conscience in, there’s no better choice.

Cons: It would be kind of sad to have a president who could get taken out with a shoe, a rolled up news paper,  a can of Raid, or that my old cat could have drowned in a water dish.

Endorsement: Check out that badge form the Blue Fairy! It doesn’t get any better than that!

 

 

 

Alexander Hamilton

Alexander Hamilton

Alexander Hamilton

Bio: One of America’s Founding Fathers , he helped establish, among other things, the US Coast Guard, much of our nation’s economic system, and served as Washington’s Secretary of Treasury. He also signed into law the US Constitution and fought in the Revolution. More about him can be read here.

Statement: “Never expect to see a perfect work from imperfect man. The result of the deliberations of all collective bodies must necessarily be a compound, as well of the errors and prejudices, as of the good sense and wisdom, of the individuals of whom they are composed.”

Slogan: N/A

Campaign Song: The entire Hamilton soundtrack.

Pros: Thanks to a Got Milk commercial from the late 90s and the musical Hamilton this founding father is incredibly popular with Millennials, a key demographic that both of Trump and Clinton have had problems appealing too. Plus, he served under George Washington one of America’s three most popular presidents ( only losing out to Abraham Lincoln and FDR.) No doubt, considering Washington is the only president in US history to win the Electoral Vote unanimously, Hamilton no doubt learned a thing or two from America’s first President. He also maintained a nuanced, and for its day progressive, view on some of his days most hot button topics.

Cons: Much like Generalisimo Francisco Franco, he’s still dead. ( Ask your folks.)

Endorsement: Seeing as everyone who knew him is also, still dead, that’s not applicable.

 

 

Mr. Rogers

Mr. Rogers

 Mr. Rogers

Bio: For decades,  Fred “Mr. Rogers” Rogers, was everybody’s neighbor. He would come into our homes with a song, and a story to teach us new things. He deeply cared about children and education, starting his show to provide children with a better alternative then pies in the face and helped them learn that the world wasn’t as scary as it seemed. By all accounts of those who knew him he was as nice and genuine as he seemed on TV, even to the point that when bike thieves stole his bike they gave it back with an apology note when they learned it was his.

Statement:When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

Slogan: “Won’t you be my Neighbor?”

Campaign Songs:  “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” and “It’s Such a Good Feeling”.

Pros: We want a leader who is trustworthy, dependable, calm, cool, and collected. We want someone who possesses a voice of calm in tough times, is respectful of every one ( even those they may disagree with), and is a good listener. We want someone who will look for the good in all of us, remind us to look to the heroes, and help us find that good in all of us. Further I can ascertain the following form the second presidential debate based on the most popular memes. We want a candidate who can sing. We want a candidate who will say respectful things about the other. We *liked* Ken Bone, or at least his down home folksy charm that was wrapped up in a comfy cardigan. Mr. Rogers can sing, say respectful things, and he embodied down home folksy charm wrapped up in a comfy cardigan before it was cool. Thus he’s the only logical choice.

Cons: Much like Alexander Hamilton and Generalisimo Francisco Franco, he’s dead too. Thus, the presidency should go to the next best person to embody those same traits.

 

Chris Pratt

Chris Pratt

 Chris Pratt!  ( well sans the comfy cardigan.)

One of today’s most popular stars thanks to his performances in such hits as The LEGO Movie, Zero Dark Thirty, Guardians of the Galaxy, Jurassic World, and the remake of The Magnificent Seven, he’s shown on his talk show performances that he can sing and dance. By all accounts he’s a genuinely nice guy, to the point that the paparazzi have a hard time harassing him. He basically embodies all the traits of Mr. Rogers, just no sweater vest.

 

Honorable mention

Hamill/Joker

Hamill/Joker

Mark Hamill

Yes, Luke Skywalker himself! Because if we have to have a joker in the White House, it might as well be the BEST Joker!

 

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About jonathondsvendsen

Hi! Thanks for stopping by my blog! Somehow you stumbled upon it. Whatever brought you around, I'm glad you're here. I am a free-lance writer and independent scholar of pop-cultural mythology, living and working in Minnesota. An aspiring mythmaker, I dream of voyages through space, fantastic worlds, and even my own superhero or two. I am also an established public speaker and have guest-lectured for college classes on the topic of comic book superheroes. I graduated from Bethel University in 2007 with a degree in Literature and Creative writing. I also write for the website NarniaFans.com. Head on over and you can check out my book reviews , a few fun interviews and even my April Fools Day jokes.
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